Ensign Amens
by Ensign Amens
Summary: The introductory tale of the hapless Ensign Amens of Starfleet. Officer, Engineer, lost soul.
1. Chapter 1

"Amens, Williams!" The transport officer barked across the bay. I begrudgingly picked up my bag and lugged it over the the officer.

"Here… sir."

He barely took his eyes off his consoles as I approached, "Ensign, you're either a very popular officer or very very unpopular, the Admiral has arranged a private shuttle. Pad 8."

"I'm afraid it's more the latter sir." I ashamedly replied.

The Transport officer stopped, looked in my eyes and sternly addressed me , "I didn't ask. Pad 8."

I slinked off with my bag as he continued to glare at me. A brand new runabout sat waiting for me on the indicated pad. The pilot seemed to be inspecting the craft, he paused when he saw me approach.

"Ahh. Ensign Amens I presume? I have been expecting you, I'm finishing my preflight check, go ahead and step aboard. There will be plenty of seats," he smiled as he finished. The pilot was clearly Denobulan, and like most of his species he seemed to be an amiable fellow. I regret I wasn't in the mood for pleasantries and merely nodded before walking passed him.

I sat alone in one of the crew modules for a while, thinking about how I got here, when I heard the runabouts systems power up. I think I would have preferred to remain alone, but the pilot was very nice and I didn't want him getting the wrong impression of me. I stood up to head out to the main cabin when I caught my reflection in the mirror of the open storage locker.

I tugged at the sleeves of my uniform which were perpetually wrinkled from being constantly rolled up. Though I was an average height for a humanoid female they always seemed to have trouble getting my sleeves the right length. Fortunately, as an Engineer, I was given considerably more leeway on my uniform presentation than most officers and rolled sleeves gave the impression of a busy technician. My hair on the other hand, I had to finally cut short due to repeated warnings from superiors. I missed my long hair occasionally, but the shorter style suited my duties. However it remained a constant battle to keep locks of hair from falling in my face. My Trill spots, blonde hair and blue eyes garnered attention wherever I went, a fascination I never really understood even when I was reminded that the combination is a bit of a rarity. I had been called pretty, not often, but more than once. Though in my own assessment I felt I was barely average. Perhaps it's because I didn't spend nearly as much time on my appearance as my roommates at the Academy. I took one last look at my reflection and patted my tummy, upset at my inability to lose that last 5 pounds, and shut the locker.

I walked into the cockpit in time to see us escaping the upper atmosphere turning the view outside from blue to black. The pilot was pleased to see me as I sat down in the Ops seat.

"Welcome Ensign. You are just in time, this has always been my favorite part of the trip. You can see Earth Spacedock on the port side, McKinley station is coming up to starboard, and we will pass close to Tyco city on Luna before we go to warp."

I half smiled, "I've seen it a few times, I guess it's lost its magic for me."

"Oh, that's too bad," He responded in his naturally cheary manner, "I have been piloting shuttles back and forth between Earth and the border stations for oh.. 20 years now? And it still gets me every time." He paused to look over at me before continuing, "I'm terribly sorry Ensign. The name is Quinix."

I imagine I looked about as cheerful as I felt, and he deserved better, I attempted a friendly response. "Amens, nice to meet you." I waved awkwardly. Somehow despite meeting literally hundreds of unique species, I still struggled to know when it was appropriate to shake hands. In spite of my discomfort, he seemed pleased with my response and smiled before returning to his console. I felt like I should say something, anything, to keep a conversation going, so I stammered out the first thing that popped into my head. "Umm… am I really the only passenger on this trip?"

I immediately felt stupid the moment it came out of my mouth, but it amused Quinix nonetheless, "Yes you are Ensign, except for some last minute cargo. I assure you, there is no need for you to keep me company. You are welcome to stay in one of the crew compartments, or make use of the lounge. I had a wonderful young lady who once spent the entire trip on the science console. I tried to tell her that this is all well traveled space, there's not much that's unexplored, but it did not dissuade her one bit."

"Oh, that's okay. I'll just hang around here I guess." As I responded his face stretched out into one of those wide smiles Denobulan's are known for.

"Suit yourself Ensign. We will be going to warp as soon as we clear the lunar orbit."

I settled into my seat and watched as we skirted past the moon. I think Quinix was showing off a little when he flew us as low as regulations would allow. I must admit he was very knowledgeable about human history in space. I had never taken the time to visit the Tranquility Base space center on Luna, but from the runabout you could see the landing site for the first human lunar landing. I became so absorbed in his historical recollections that I didn't realize I was actually enjoying myself for the first time in days. He told me all about his peoples early history in space, about his family, and even the 'highlight of his career, the time he got to shuttle Ambassador Spock to a conference near Vulcan.

It was hours into our trip and several of Quinox's stories later before one question brought me back to my own sad reality. "So, Ensign, what brings you here in the first place?" Quinix stirred his drink while he awaited my answer.

My smile faded from my face as I contemplated my answer. "Oh, yeah. Well…" I looked toward him, hoping maybe he would see my discomfort and release me from my obligation to answer. But he patiently waited, smiling as openly as ever. I grasped for a vague but satisfactory answer, "I'm just not very popular with a certain Admiral."

"Admiral Toh?" He asked.

I was surprised and confused by his response, "Y..yeah…how did you know?"

"An educated guess. My orders came directly from the Admiral himself. And I don't get to talk to Admirals very often."

I fidgeted a bit as I responded, "He's a… He's a good man. But I made a few mistakes, like I always do, and he…" I gestured to indicate being kicked out.

"Well if you were working close to an Admiral you cannot have been that bad. Admirals only surround themselves with the best and brightest when they can help it." Quinix smiled broadly in a transparent attempt to cheer me up.

"Well in this case I was assigned as a low level engineering assistant as part of the design program at the shipyards. The Admiral chose to oversee that project himself and I.. well.. I never should have opened my mouth."

As I finished, Quinix stopped stirring his drink and looked up at me, "I knew I had seen you somewhere! You were that young lady on the Federation News broadcast, talking about the advanced ship designs."

I winced, "I was kind of hoping no one had seen that."

"I must say the new Prometheus and prototype Phoenix class ships are fascinating departures from common starfleet design, it's no wonder you were so excited to talk about them. Though I'm not sure what you meant by the robot thing."

"It was a joke, I was trying to make a very bad joke. You know those old Earth kids shows where a set of robots would join together into a larger robot, you know?" I looked at Quinix for recognition, but he seemed even more confused. "No? Anyway, no one in our department had clearance to talk to anyone about the designs, and that was apparently the Admiral's 'Last Straw'. Hence, why I am here with you today, being transferred to the furthest backwater outpost he could think of."

I looked away ashamed when I suddenly felt Quinix take my hand, "Amens, you need to stop looking at this as a punishment and more like.. An opportunity. Everyone can use a fresh start now and then, so in some ways this is a gift. " This strange man I had barely met looked into my eyes with a gaze of genuine care and concern I hadn't experienced in a long time. The all-too-brief feeling of warmth and comfort faded quickly when he continued, "We all make mistakes after all and you're young! It's practically to be expected." He then patted my hand and turned back to his console.

I realized I had unconsciously put my hand on my own tummy. His comment inadvertently triggering feelings of trepidation. I knew he meant well, how was he supposed to know I was a joined Trill after all? Technically a portion of myself wasn't young, not by conventional terms, but almost certainly older than Quinix. By Trill standards however my symbiont was young, I am only it's third host. And while most Trill gain a sense of well-being, wisdom, and confidence from their symbionts, I did not. I was left a confused mess of jumbled memories and emotions that I'm still trying to sort out. Some days I can't help but blame the Amens symbiont for bringing me nothing but misery.

Quinix suddenly interrupted my train of thought, "You hungry?"

I took my hand off my stomach, "Oh no.. no.. A little tired."

"Feel free to nap wherever you like. I'm told that chair is quite comfortable when its reclined."

I timidly searched for the recline buttons on the chair, "Are you sure? You don't mind?"

"Quite sure Ensign. I will keep the noise level down."

While I was hesitant to accept his offer, the thought of sitting alone in a crew module contemplating my past mistakes was even less appealing. I nodded in gratitude and settled into the seat putting my feet up on the console. I glanced in Quinix' direction to be sure it was okay, he didn't seem to mind and kept to his controls. I had my fair share of personal problems, but getting to sleep on a starship was not one of them, especially in a command chair. The steady drone of the ships engine, the fairly regular status indicators and even the gentle beeping of another officer on the controls was better than counting tribbles for me. Unfortunately my comfort level had also twice gotten me into trouble for sleeping on duty. I must have been tired because shortly after closing my eyes I slipped into unconsciousness. My usually erratic mind somewhat settled by the comforting presence of another caring individual.

I was aroused some time later to the sound of a gentle voice, "Amens? .. Amens… Ensign Wake up.." I squinted as I opened my eyes and stretched, the cockpit seemed unusually bright, but I didn't have a sense of why just yet. "Sorry to disturb your sleep Amens, but I took a little detour and I thought you would appreciate the view."

I fully opened one eye, and then quickly the other and gasped as I beheld the sight outside the cockpit windows. A rainbow of gaseous clouds swirled slowly around the ship amongst brilliant seas of young stars sparkling like gems. Unearthly hues of red, gold, green and blue cast a glow unlike anything I had ever experienced. I understood the science behind it, and yet it was altogether mystical to behold. That something so beautiful could exist in the deep black emptiness of space would make the most devout atheist feel spiritual. It felt so close that I wanted to reach out and touch it, as if I could run my hands through the colorful clouds and see them swirl together in the wake. It was at this point I realized I was standing on my chair and craning my neck to see out the windows in every direction.

"Federation charts call it the Medusa Nebula. But we had a different name for it back on Denobula."

"It's amazing Quinix," still enraptured by the view out the windows, I barely looked at him as I spoke, "I've seen Nebulas at the academy but a holo-recording doesn't do it justice this is.. just.. amazing."

Quinix smiled, "I'm glad to hear not everything about space travel has 'lost it's magic' Ensign."

I looked at him puzzled for a moment, then remembered my own words and smiled before returning my gaze to the beauty of the Nebula, "You are certainly full of surprises Quinix. So these are actual young white dwarf stars all throughout here?"

"That's right, The brilliant greens are oxygen, the red is from hydrogen, in fact all the colors are made from ionized gases..."

".. and they move outward from the core star, losing electrons as they travel," I continued from memory. "I've read all about it, but I've never actually seen it happening, it's spectacular. I don't even remember seeing a Nebula on our flight plan."

"It wasn't. I made a little detour."

"I can't imagine being able to come to a place so beautiful whenever you want, I'm jealous"

"Oh no. I haven't been here since I was very young. It was what sparked my desire to join Starfleet. I've yet to see anything quite like it in all the galaxy."

I stopped looking out the window and slowly got down from the chair. I looked at Quinix whose gaze was also directed outside but his eyes were unfocused as if lost in thought. I hated to distract him, but I couldn't hold back a burning question, "So you did this for me? You took me here.. Just to be.. Nice?"

His eyes blinked back to life, he seemed concerned now, "Oh I hope I haven't overstepped my boundaries Ensign."

"Oh, no no, it's just… why?"

As I settled back into my seat awaiting a response, his warm smile returned, "Sometimes we all need a reminder that there is still some beauty left in the universe. All is not duty and rank and procedure. Even in Starfleet."

I had to admit that I was a little overwhelmed by his kindness. I had allowed myself to be consumed by a darkness of my own creation and here was a stranger I had barely met, reaching out into the darkness with a helping hand and an open heart. It was an odd sensation to feel cared about by someone who owed me nothing.

I started to say thank you when I caught something moving in the corner of my eye. Outside of the main window something that could have easily been mistaken for a star, was moving. I watched it for a moment as it slowly drifted in one direction, then suddenly shot upward, and then roughly back the direction it started from. It was clearly not a natural movement, it appeared to be moving with agency. A glowing speck amongst thousands of other specs, but this one calmly moved about the cosmos in a very unnatural way.

"Quinix. Do you have any idea what that is?" I asked as I roughly pointed in it's direction.

He was puzzled at first, but I could clearly see the moment he caught sight of this unusual phenomena, "No Ensign, I do not. I'm going to run a scan."

He reached over toward the science console and activated the scanners as we both intently watched this unusual object. However the moment the Runabout's scanners switched from passive to active scanning you could see a change in the behavior of the object. It's once calm drifting suddenly became faster and more erratic. It was hard to say for certain, but it appeared almost like it was irritated.

"Quinix, I think maybe we should turn the scanners off and just leave."

Quinix hesitated as he watched the mystery object before finally nodding an agreement and terminating the scan. We both watched intently to see what would happen next. The object seemed less erratic but it didn't return to drifting either. There was no question now that this object moved with a purpose, and that our actions had an effect on it. But now wasn't the proper time or place to postulate on it's awareness or purpose. We were alone in a small craft, completely off course, and unable to communicate with the fleet. I think we both held our breath in that moment.

The object finally slowed, drifted for a moment and then suddenly inexplicably it seemed to be moving right towards us. Growing brighter and brighter in the window it didn't take long to figure out that it's size and distance were deceptive. It was getting closer, and it was clearly very large, and very angry.

Quinix set to work on his controls, "Activating impulse drives."

As the drive spun up I punched feverishly at my controls, "Raising shields. The nebula is affecting our shield strength."

"Let's hope we won't need them Ensign." Quinix took the controls and started to turn us away from the steadily closing object.

The object had just cleared the starboard edge of the window when the first impact came. It sent the ship spiralling deeper into the Nebula. As we attempted to reduce the spin and regain control the view outside the window spun madly, periodically catching a glimpse of the object still in pursuit.

Quinix only just started to slow the spin and return us to a steady course when we were hit yet again. This time the inertial dampeners could not compensate and we were sent flying across the cabin. The force of the gravity plating competed with the centrifugal force of our spin pinning me to the wall of the cabin and nearly overwhelming me with a feeling of nausea. Fortunately Quinix was stronger than I was and he pulled himself up to the command console and fought to again correct the vessels path. The moment the spin slowed down I dived into the Ops seat. I was met with dozens of warning indicators blinking insistently. Systems were down all across the ship, our shields and warp drive hovered close to failing, and life support wasn't doing well either.

"Quinix, we can't take another hit like that."

"I know Ensign, I have an idea." I could see him queue up a micro torpedo and launch it without a set target. On one display I saw the mystery object rapidly approaching yet again, and on another the torpedo getting further and further away.

"Quinix, impact in 8 seconds."

He didn't acknowledge me, he only stared at his readouts, for what I don't know. I looked again at the countdown to impact with the object and hoped Quinix knew what he was doing. Suddenly he slapped the manual detonation button and the distant torpedo burst in a brilliant flash of light. The mystery object seemed to halt it's attack. On my display I could see it swirl about and then suddenly dart off in another direction.

I exhaled and sat back in my seat, relieved. "That was genius Quinix. Thank you. I don't think the structural integrity fields would have held if that thing hit us again." I expected to hear a response of some sort, but I heard nothing. "Quinix, are you.." It was then that I realized he was transfixed on something else outside the ship. I turned in the direction he was looking, there I saw the horror he was transfixed upon. The torpedo's detonation had set off some sort of plasma filament. A burning ribbon of fire spiraled outward from the detonation site, and it seemed to be headed in our direction.

"Quinix.. Quinix! Get us out of here!" I called to him in a panic.

He slowly turned to me with the empty expression of a man who knows what is coming and said only, "I'm sorry Ensign."

I looked back out the window just as the ribbon of flame struck the ship. The shields collaped almost instantly, and the cabin grew phenomenally warm as the plasma fire burned all around us. Lights and consoles blinked off as the ship rocked violently in the pressure waves. We held on as best as we could as the ship was tossed about. As the heat and brightness subsided the hull creaked in unearthly ways. The duranium composite structure strained against the temperature change as violent heat suddenly dropped back to the frigid cold of open space.

Then the fire, the rocking and the creaking all subsided and for a moment, it was quiet. I slowly released my death grip on my chair and glanced about furtively before finally opening my mouth. "I think we... "

I was never able to finish my sentence.

The side of the runabout burst open. I instinctively closed my eyes the instant it happened, but I knew instantly that I had been ripped from the cockpit and thrown into space. The explosion was the loudest sound I had ever heard, followed immediately by an indescribable silence. The next sensation was pain. Overwhelming pain, as every nerve ending felt like it was burning and freezing simultaneously. I convulsed as my lungs fought for non-existent air. The pain and the struggle felt like an eternity, and then all at once it stopped. There was no pain. There was no sound. It was oddly peaceful.

It was in this brief moment of peace that I had opened my eyes. I could see the runabout drifting quietly away. A massive gash ripped across the starboard side and the light from the warp nacelles fading out. A trail of debris spewed out from the gash in my direction, and beyond al the destruction, was this Nebula. It was even more beautiful from here, outside of the confines of the runabout. Completely surrounded by the twinkling stars, and brilliant swirling colors. I was all at once at peace, prepared to let go in this beautiful place.

Just as I felt I could slip away I saw one last curious sight. My Comm badge. It had come free from my uniform and floated in empty space, just outside of arms reach. It's proud Starfleet emblem shone brightly in the light of a thousand stars, slowly spinning, almost mocking me. It was the last thing I can recall seeing before everything faded away.

And then there was nothing.


	2. Chapter 2

I felt a cool breeze on my face. It was pleasant and smelled fresh, unlike the processed air of a starship. Then I started to feel a brightness and warmth radiating down upon me. It was then that I realized my eyes were closed. I opened them to see something I feel like I hadn't seen in a very long time. A cloud.

The cloud drifted slowly across the sky unveiling the sun hiding behind it. I glanced away from its blinding rays to the horizon. It took me a moment, but I recognized the view. I was high above my home town, on a mountain in the Lekarna range. I'm sure the mountain had an official name but everyone I knew just called it Flat Top. I used to hike the trail up here frequently in my adolescence. It was not an easy hike, but the view was worth the effort.

Below me was my entire early life on Trilll. I could see my house, my schools, the local markets and hang outs, and the highways beyond, leading to the big city to the South, and the neighboring towns to the North. To the east was the old Trill military base and the pale purple sea water of the ocean inlet. To the west were much taller mountains that I never dared to climb. Tucked into those mountains were homesteads belonging to older Trill settlers, some dating back untold generations. I'm told deep in these mountains were some of the first mines to find traces of the dilithium they used to achieve warp speed travel.

I made a conscious decision not to question my presence here. I simply accepted it. Whether it was the afterlife, a pleasing hallucination, or the result of severe hypoxia and decompression, it didn't matter, I just closed my eyes again to take in the breeze. After years on board starships and space stations and even planetary colonies, a simple breeze from back home was welcome and inviting. It felt like the breeze carried all my old frustrations and worries away with it.

As I continued to enjoy the soft caress of the breeze, I thought for a moment that I heard something. A voice maybe. It seemed impossible so I ignored it at first. But then I swear I heard it again. The third time I heard the voice it was undeniable, and it was coming closer.

"Ilia… Ilia!"

I turned my head in the direction of the voice and it finally hit me, literally. As I whirled around the wind smacked me in my face with my own pony-tail. I had long hair again, I was in my old clothes, back on Trill, and that voice..

"Ilia! There you are."

No one had called me Ilia, in a long long time. It was a nickname my friends had given me because they couldn't pronounce the Human name my mother had given me. Suddenly it all came back to me, this was the time I convinced my friends to come up to Flat Top to watch a rare solar event with me. Trill's long slow orbital tilt meant that this midnight sun would not return for at least a dozen years, and I had dreamed up this crazy idea to experience it from the top of my favorite mountain. This means that I was 18 again. I don't know how or why, but there was no other explanation.

My Friend continued as she sat down beside me, "You didn't say this hike would be so strenuous."

This was my closest friend at the time, Jore. She was just as I remember her at that age, she had short dark hair and stood few centimeters taller than me, a fact she relished in our childhood. She had always been skinny, possibly from years of gymnastic pursuits in her youth, but these days her subtle curves were finally showing. Despite how close we were, I haven't seen her in nearly a decade. Yet here she was sitting beside me like no time had passed at all. I wanted to reach over and hug her, to tell her how good it was to see her again. But try as I might, all that came out was the same response I gave her the first time this happened.

"Well it is a mountain, what did you expect?" Then we both lightly laughed together.

The laughter was authentic and along with it that familiar feeling of joy that I experienced the first time this happened. But along with it came many questions. Was this merely a memory I was re-experiencing? If I was unable to do anything but be a passenger in my own life, is this just another symptom of my death in that nebula? Is this what they meant when they said your life flashed before your eyes? It seemed so visceral, it didn't feel at all like a memory. It wasn't fuzzy around the edges, the details were clear and consistent. It was more real than a holodeck. Yet I was also trapped, locked into a preconceived path of my own invention. Perhaps this wasn't so much the heaven I imagined it to be at first, but a type of hell.

"Holy crap Sis, you want to wait for the rest of us next time?" My brother Riahke suddenly plopped down beside us, startling me slightly. I could hardly believe my eyes, my brother at 18 years old. He had blonde hair like mine, his however had always been short. He was never fond of spending more than the absolute minimum amount of time getting ready to go anywhere. His practicality didn't end with his hair, he was clean shaven at that age and his clothes were relatively simple but effective. He had recently grown nearly a head taller than me, and he was fit from his sports regiments.

Before I could respond he yelled and waived his friend over, "Tedriss! Over here!" Tedriss, who had always struggled with his weight, came staggering over and plopped down next to me and sprawled out on the grass. He was breathing hard and sweating heavily.

"Oh Teddi, you have got to get yourself in shape if you think you are ever going to be considered for joining." Jore said compassionately. Tedriss, unlike my brother, had a larger frame. He had always been a little larger, which helped in some sports, but in recent years he had quit playing regularly and gained a few pounds. He too had dark hair and a wonderful sense of humor. He never seemed to have a problem talking to anyone, and yet he couldn't manage to find a steady girlfriend in those days. I had practically grown up with him, since my brother had been best friends with him since his first days in school.

"Oh leave him be, he's got a few years yet," Riahke replied.

Tedriss vaguely guestured in my brother's direction while still trying to catch his breath, "What he said."

I suddenly remembered this conversation and tried desperately to prevent myself from saying what I knew would only escalate the discussion, but it was to no avail. "Oh my gods, can we go one night without obsessing about Joining. I spent the last 6 years of primary schooling listening to everyone prattle on about that constantly."

My brother wasted no time in responding, "Oh just because you pretend you don't want to be joined doesn't mean you get to ruin it for everyone else."

"I don't, I really don't. Is that so wrong?" I stated matter of factly. There was some truth to my claim, but I knew there was also a small part of me that desperately wanted it as well. Sometimes I think I openly declared my disgust with joining as a way to protect myself from being hurt. I didn't want to hope for something that would never happen and I wouldn't let some Symbiosis commissioner invalidate my existence.

Riahke rolled his eyes dramatically in response, "Whatever. How about you Jore? You plan on getting joined?"

"Well," she winced in my direction as if I would be upset with her answer, "Personally, I think it would help me get into the Tenaran Music Academy. If I was joined that is."

"Traitor," I half-jokingly responded.

"Being joined just automatically opens so many doors. You can't fault me for trying." said Jore.

"I know, it's just so .. elitist. It feels unfair. I mean your chances are like 1 in 700.. " I reasoned. Trying to get Jore over to my side.

Suddenly Tedriss jumped into the conversation, "I don't know why we are even discussing it, we all know Riahke is the most likely one to get joined out of all of us."

Tedriss wasn't wrong, my brother had always been a bit of an overachiever. He was first in his class, he played on the local springball team, and he was involved in community service groups. By contrast I tended to do just well enough in school to keep my mother from yelling at me, I wasn't one for sports, at least not organized ones, and I had dropped out of the same service group my brother was in. He was definitely the golden boy of the family. If anyone had a solid chance at getting joined, it was Riahke Raues.

"Thank you, thank you. When I inevitably accept my symbiont I will not forget the little people who helped me get there. Literally, since my memories will live on forever," Riahke replied before bursting out laughing at his own poor joke. If Riahke had one failing it was that he was occasionally a cocky little shit.

"Oh sit down 'Ricky'." I groaned.

"Hey, I warned you about that!" Riahke had always been a little sensitive about his childhood nickname, a fact that I usually used to knock him down a peg.

"Perhaps I should tell the Symbiosis Commission about your little nickname, Ricky." I taunted.

"How about I toss you off this mountain."

"Here we go, another classic fight with the Raues' siblings." Tedriss humorously interjected, causing Jore to laugh and making my brother and I stop for a moment. "No please continue, I will miss this when we all go off to our jobs or move away or whatever."

"Now don't be ridiculous, we are best friends. I'm sure we'll be hearing about their fights for the rest of our lives." Jore jokingly reassured everyone.

"In that case kill me now." Tedriss replied before laying back down on the grass.

We all had a little laugh at that. Internally though it made me a little sad. At the time it seemed we would be inseparable. We had just always been together all four of us, it only seemed logical that we would continue that way. Unfortunately life had other plans for the four of us. In some ways this would end up being the last hurrah of our young lives.

I looked over at Jore, who was still laughing, she would eventually go on to attend the Tenaran Music Academy, and eventually fade away as she raised a family of her own. Then I turned to Tedriss, still smirking as he lounged in the grass staring up at the sky. He somehow ended up in construction. Last I heard he was helping rebuild after a Dominion attack on our homeworld. And finally there was my brother…

"So what are we doing out here anyway?" Riahke mused to no one in particular.

"Watching the sun go down after midnight. Or did your goofy Gorn brain forget about this rare solar event?" I retorted.

"Oh is that actually tonight? I thought you got the wrong date again, like you did with the big concert last year." I quickly picked up a pebble and threw it at him for his smart ass reply. He deftly dodged it and laughed.

"That was one time!" I yelled at him.

"Oh? Then how about the year before when you forgot which day was YOUR birthday." Riahke smirked.

"That… I was .. it was a very busy school year." I stammered in embarrassment, much to everyone's amusement.

"Remember that? That was a great party." Jore managed to say between bouts of laughter.

"It was even better when Ilia finally showed up!" Tedriss added, to which everyone burst out laughing. Even I found myself laughing in spite of my embarrassment.

Once everyone finally calmed down we noticed the sun had finally descended below the horizon, turning the sky into a luscious tapestry of colors. The last of the bright hot yellow ball slipped beyond the line of the horizon, leaving bands of crimson, orange and then the deepest hues of violet. The clouds in the sky caught the last light of the sun, illuminating them in a bright reddish-purple of their own. Internally I was awestruck, I hadn't seen a sunset like that in a very long time. The universe is a very different place when you live and work far above the clouds. I was reliving what was the last in a long series of sunsets for my younger self, while simultaneously enjoying my first sunset in a long time.

Jore suddenly put her arm around me and smiled. "Good idea Ilia."

"Yeah not bad," Tedriss chimed in. I looked over and realized he was intently watching the sunset as well.

"How often does this happen again?" My brother asked.

"Roughly every ten years, depending on the orbital influence of the other planets." I explained.

Jore squeezed me a little, "That's our future Starfleet captain there!" I half-smiled in return.

"Oh that's right, you have your application ready?" Tedriss asked. He always seemed to have vested interest in my desire to join Starfleet. I never could tell if that was authentic or merely a result of his ill-hidden desires to date me in the past.

"It's sitting on my desk in my room. I'm just not quite ready to send it in yet."

"Want me to come over and press the 'send' button for you?" Tedriss offered sarcastically.

"Your coming over anyway, you owe me a rematch on that holo-game. And your staying out of my sisters room." My brother interrupted.

Tedriss had been friends with both my brother and I for a very long time. But as we matured and puberty hit, Tedriss began to find me attractive in a way that my brother never cared for. I remember feeling annoyed at my brother's attempts to protect me at the time. However, internally, I found myself mildly amused to experience this again. Jore and I shot each other knowing glances in response to my brothers outburst.

"Hey calm down man.. Just trying to offer her some encouragement." Tedriss responded.

"Yeah I know what kind of encouragement you want to offer." My brother mumbled.

I felt the need to jump in before it got any more heated, "Hey hey, boys.. It's fine, I need to get some rest anyway. I'm going straight to sleep when we get home."

"Yeah let's just enjoy the moment, we will be like, mature adults when this happens again." Jore added.

"Well.. adults at least." I joked with Jore. She and I shared a little giggle at that remark. Tedriss eventually chuckled lightly himself, my brother however was being stubborn.

After that we again looked back at the remnants of the setting sun. A peaceful moment passed before Rhiake finally spoke up. "Well it's after midnight, we really should be getting back before it gets too dark to find our way down."

I got up and dusted myself off, "He's right, getting down the mountain is sometimes more dangerous than getting up. And more strenuous."

"MORE strenuous?" Tedriss whined as he reluctantly got up. "Can't we just beam down?"

Jore reached over and helped him get up. "Do you have any transporter credits left?"

"No.." Tedriss bemoaned.

"Me neither, come on, we will go down together. Don't let me fall." She replied as she took his arm, Jore was always sweet that way. I think at one point I had hoped those two would get together, but it wasn't meant to be. I think they stayed in contact after I left. I couldn't help but wonder if they ever think of me anymore. I regret I can't recall thinking about them much anymore myself.

As we started down the mountain I took one last look back. There in the sky I saw what appeared to be a shooting star. I paused for a second watching this bright white light burn across the rapidly darkening night sky. "What was that?" I found myself saying.

My brother looked up briefly, catching the tail end of it, "Probably a shuttle coming in too hot." Then he turned back to the path and headed down.

I found myself staring in it's direction for a moment longer. Internally I was more confused than ever. I remembered most of what happened here, but I had no recollection of seeing anything unusual that night. Certainly nothing like this. And why did that ball of light seem oddly familiar?

I was left to wonder internally as we continued our descent and headed home. True to his word, Tedriss ended up coming over and playing holo-games with my brother. Jore gave me a hug at the door and headed home.

From my darkened bedroom I could hear the cacophony of masculine game playing in other parts of the house. My mother was already in bed, as usual, so they were left to their own devices. Reminded of our discussion on the mountain, I looked over at my desk. Right in the middle was the Federation standard PADD, the first of many I would have, sitting in the middle of my desk. All of the other personal items had been pushed aside for the PADD, making it look like it was some sort of holy object. When the unfortunate reality is that it was more a sign of the level of thought and anxiety that came with it.

I reached over and tapped the screen, activating the PADD. It's glow illuminated the entire desk surface. The display returned to the exact spot I left off, the end of the application. A glowing yellow indicator slowly pulsated on screen. All I had to do was press it and my application would be sent via subspace carrier wave to the nearest Starfleet transponder and then directly to Starfleet Command in the Sol system. It was something I had planned and dreamt about for nearly a decade. Yet my application had been sitting, nearly complete, on my desk for months.

I remembered this moment all too well. I had planned out this entire evening as a build up to this very moment. When this originally transpired, those moments before my friends caught up to me on the mountain were spent contemplating whether to send in the application or not. Weighing my options, trying to decide if this was what I really wanted to do, whether or not I was doing it for the right reasons. By the time they arrived I had already decided. I enjoyed the evening, but deep down inside I was thinking about how likely it was I would never see any of them again in the near future.

I reached out for the PADD, hesitated, and then quickly tapped the button and shut it off. It was done. My application was on the way to Starfleet Command. I exhaled in relief. Of course I immediately knew I had traded one anxiety for another. Would they accept my application? What even happens then? How long did I have? What if the PADD didn't work? Had I shut it off too quickly? I of course knew the answers to all these questions now, but I remember that anticipation. It was exciting and scary.

Just as I was in the middle of another bout of internal anxiety, I heard my brother and his friend cheering some sort of victory I imagine. It was enough to rouse me from my inner thoughts and remind me I had a busy day ahead. I found myself going through my usual, teenage, preparations for bed.

As I lay my head down on a distantly familiar bed in a house I hadn't physically stepped into for the better part of 10 years, I was left to contemplate what this existence was. I was no less confused about this experience than I was hours ago. I couldn't explain whether this was a memory or not. It seemed, different than I remember. But I didn't have any control over the course of events either. Is this what death is? I had always imagined a more dream like state. Or perhaps the familiar nothingness of sleep with no end.

These thoughts hounded me for a while, and I cannot lie, there was an honest attempt to resist the temptation to fall asleep in fear that I may never awake. After some consideration it seemed like the only way to get answers was to allow myself to rest and see what happens next.

After what seemed like forever, it finally happened and I drifted off. I recall having a strange mix of dreams from my teenage life and my more recent experiences. It was a particularly terrifying vision of Quinix calling out to me that truly caught me by surprise. His unearthly voice saying, "Amens" woke me with a fright.

It's what I woke up to that I didn't expect.


	3. Chapter 3

When I opened my eyes I was faced with the unmistakable sight of the bottom of a starship bunk. I had seen it hundreds of times and it seemed like every ship was roughly the same, no matter the origin. This otherwise bland metal surface made one thing immediately obvious, I wasn't in the same room I fell asleep in. Unfortunately I didn't have much time to wonder where I was.

"Williams, wake up. We have to go." I was being shaken awake. When I turned over I realized it was my uncle. He was quickly putting his shoes on. "Williams, now!" He urgently added. I was clearly still a little dazed, but I knew something was terribly wrong. I recall my uncle as being fairly patient and lighthearted, it's why I enjoyed spending time with him. So for him to be harried and demanding was a sure sign of trouble.

I found myself hesitantly getting up from my bunk and reaching for my shoes. Why did my shoes look so small? It took me a moment, but I realized that these are kids shoes. Then it all came back to me. This had to be that trip I took with my uncle Rohjim to the Kalandra system. I had to be roughly 8 years old when I boarded that transport shuttle with him. It had been so long and the details were fuzzy, but I clearly remember one thing, if he was waking me up then that means that..

Suddenly the ship rocked violently. Knocking myself and my uncle to the floor. Instantly the cabin lights turned off as the emergency lighting illuminated and the door to the cabin opened automatically. An evacuation tone echoed through the ships hallways as guide lights indicated the pathway to an escape pod.

Sadly my 8 year old self was not familiar with any of these systems or procedures, and I realized I was paralyzed with fear, and I had begun crying. My uncle grabbed me up rushed out of the quarters. As he lifted me I caught sight of a stuffed animal still stuffed under the covers of the bunk I had just been occupying. It was a stuffed mreker, the Trill equivalent of a dog or a small bear, I know that I had kept it with me often as a small child. So as I was rushed out of the room I found my 8 year old self clutching at the air, desperately wanting my stuffed animal back.

Between the fear of the unknown and the impending loss of my precious lovie, my eyes were so clogged with tears I could barely see. What I could see was dozens of people heading down the corridor towards the escape pods. Many were confused, some seemed upset, but every one of them was terrified. We dashed past groups of windows, and I caught the briefest glimpse of ships, at least 2 of them. Just when I thought I had figured out what they might be we stopped in a section with no windows. There seemed to be some shouting going on.

My uncle took me off his shoulder and set me down but he kept his hand on my shoulder. Whether it was to keep me close by or as a reassurance, I'm not sure. I think at this point my young self allowed her curiosity to overcome her fear, as I found myself craning my neck and standing on tip-toes trying to see what was going on. I had never been particularly tall, but it was still strange to be this short again. From what I could tell a crewman was preventing everyone from boarding the escape pods. It sounded like he was waiting on word from the captain. Naturally this did little to reassure the terrified passengers.

Just as the terrified crowd began to turn into an angry mob the ship was again rocked violently. Everyone was suddenly tossed against the interior wall. The impact was strong enough to knock most everyone to the ground, myself included. In the distance I could hear the familiar whoosh of a brief decompression before the containment fields activated. Soon even the emergency lights blinked out. Leaving us in darkness, other than what little light came in via the windows. I could see some passengers huddled together with their families. Some hugged their loved ones, others assumed crash positions, covering their heads. My uncle seemed dazed from the fall, I think he caught me on the way down.

Someone by the windows yelled out suddenly, "Oh my gods!" Everyone seemed to look in that direction. A lady could be heard sobbing, someone else screamed.

Inexplicably I found myself walking over to the windows, overcome with curiosity. Behind me my uncle yelled out "Williams! No!" I didn't stop. I had to know what was happening.

As I approached the windows, I pulled myself up on the ledge as best as my little arms could so I could get a good view. Outside I saw two Cardassian patrol ships aimed directly at our transport ship. Their distinctive Cardassian architecture and bright gold hulls were unmistakable to me now, though I could remember my younger self being puzzled by these odd ships. Then I saw what had caused the screams of terror, a photon torpedo. A bright red shimmering star of death was coming towards us.

My adult self knew full well a transport of this size was not equipped to deflect the blast of a torpedo. These Cardassians had decided to destroy our ship, and there was nothing we could do about it. My younger self however, seemed curious about this object. I found my gaze was locked onto this shimmering star as it grew ever larger in the window. It drew closer and brighter, I could hear more gasps and crying behind me, but my younger self remained focused on that mysterious light. If I could have winced or closed my eyes or looked away, I would have. But young Williams watched it intently as it got closer, brighter. Blissfully unaware of the deadly power of that sparkling red star of light.

Just as the intensity of reliving this moment of impending doom nearly overwhelmed me something else surprised me. A large object rose up from below our ship and overwhelmed my view out the window. It's sudden appearance caused my young self to jump back in fear. I wasn't alone, dozens of voices gasped out loud, but then there was silence. I inched closer to the window again. A massive grayish object of unknown origin dominated the entire viewport. No one quite knew what to make of it. Whatever it was it had stopped the torpedo, and it was still moving. I could barely make out the edges of hull plating as it whizzed by. Then it seemed to change direction and the nature of the object became clearer.

It was a shape that had become so iconic that even a kid like myself, with no interest in space travel whatsoever, could identify it. It was the saucer section of a ship, a very very large ship. And if the shape of it didn't give it away, soon the passengers could make out a very familiar 'NCC-' emblazoned across the hull.

Suddenly someone yelled, "It's Starfleet!" And the entire ship erupted in applause and laughter and sighs of relief. I turned briefly and saw people hugging and laughing, crying in joy. I knew a part of me was more puzzled by this than when we were all cowering in fear. I only knew the stories I had heard about Starfleet, but even as kids we all just knew that they were the good guys. I looked back out the window and saw this ship between us and those menacing gold ships. It was familiar and yet larger than anything my young mind could ever imagine.

Suddenly I jumped as I felt my uncle grab me. I was so startled I think the weight of the situation hit me again all at once and I teared up again and threw myself into his shoulder. Then he said something that has stuck with me for my entire life. He held my shoulders and pushed me away so he could look into my eyes and he said, "Everything is going to be okay Williams, those are Starfleet ships out there, they won't let anything bad happen to us" then he paused, a hesitation that is burned into my memory, before he finished, "Your father was a Starfleet officer."

My memory of this moment was clear as day. I had gone over it in my head innumerable times since it happened. It motivated me nearly every day of my life. And yet to hear it again overcame me emotionally. I felt as if my heart was ripped in two.

Before that moment I had never known who my father was, but I had learned not to ask. My mother had made it very clear that we weren't to ask about him, and I had become content with my ignorance. There were plenty of kids with single parents so it had never bothered me and my uncle had become that male influence in mine and my brothers lives. Now here he was, in a moment of vulnerability, revealing to me the deepest, darkest of family secrets in an effort to either calm me or relieve some personal guilt for keeping it from me for so long. In the years since this happened and as memories fade with time, I had begun to wonder if he had made it up just to comfort me. But reliving it now I could tell with the absolute confidence of a much more mature perspective that his expression was undeniably earnest.

I had stopped crying as the weight of his words sunk in. I pushed back from my uncle and again turned to look out the window at the ships now locked in battle. I suddenly had a renewed interest in our miraculous saviors. My young self unexpectedly found herself connected in some small way to the men and women on that ship and what they stood for. I remember trying to memorize the numbers and emblems on the Starfleet ship, NCC-70637 and that familiar delta on an oval. I now watched what unfolded with rapt attention.

The Starfleet ship had opened fire on the two Cardassian patrol ships. I could clearly make out the phaser batteries hammering both ships simultaneously. The Cardassians though, they looked like they had something to prove, they returned fire in kind. However from what my trained perspective could tell, their weapons fire seemed disorganized, perhaps because they were taken by surprise. I had a feeling that the Starfleet ship was trying to push the Cardassians further away from our transport. Whatever the captains plan, she had firmly planted herself between the enemy and us. It was a bold and courageous move, sadly one that I wouldn't truly appreciate until over a decade later when I took a class on starship tactics.

On the edge of the battle I could faintly make out another object. It was faint at first, but it got steadily larger. I wasn't sure what it was, but it was unlike the torpedo I saw earlier. As it drew closer I could make out not one, but several small objects.

One of the crewmen from earlier started yelling commands to the passengers, "Everyone, follow me to the aft cargo deck!" Being the first commands in a while, a number of passengers were nervous and inquisitive about what was going on. Rather than address everyone individually he yelled out again above the din of the crowd, "They are evacuating the passengers, but we must go now." This seemed to suppress the rising disarray amongst the passengers and focus them on moving.

I looked again out the window before my uncle could push me along. The objects became much clearer now. It was a group of shuttlecraft, Federation Type 7 as I recall, speeding towards us. Just as they slowed down to start docking maneuvers my uncle insistently pushed me along with the crowd. I recall feeling disappointed I could no longer watch our rescuers battle the enemy.

The crowd of passengers jostled their way along the narrow corridors down to the cargo bay of the ship. The entire group seemed to oscillate between panic and annoyance, which only grew worse the longer it took. We finally erupted into the cargo bay, it was a relief from the cramped corridors but still fairly crowded. This was the worst part of being a kid again. I was so short I had no idea what was going on beyond the rear end of the person in front of me. It sounded like the cargo docking port had opened which only led to more commotion among the passengers. Until finally a commanding voice could be heard above it all.

"We are taking the children first! Any children on board?!"

I found myself unceremoniously scooped up by my uncle and lofted into the air. From this vantage I could finally see a little of what was going on. The hatch was open and two uniformed officers had stepped out to manage the crowd and start evacuation. Their stark gold and black uniforms stood out strongly amongst the passengers and crew. They immediately conveyed an aura of authority that seemed to quell the crowd. Unfortunately before I could take in more details I was shocked to realize I had been handed off to another person, and then another, and another. Finally I was thrust into the arms of one of the officers and thrown over his shoulder.

The man carried me directly into the waiting shuttle where I was set down on a bench next to a handful of other frightened children and a couple of mothers. I didn't even get a good look at the man before he headed straight back out to help load more people onto the shuttle. The only thing I noticed was his hair, he had blonde colored hair like me.

I looked around with youthful curiosity at this strange new ship as people quickly filed into the passenger compartment. Soon the shuttle was filled to capacity with people, unfortunately my Uncle wasn't among them. I was getting worried until I saw the Starfleet officers push their way through the standing passengers and head up to the cockpit. Fueled by the recent revelation that my father was in Starfleet, I took an intense interest in these officers. As if by watching them it would unveil some secret to my past. The blonde one in particular I was most curious about. Blonde hair being a rarity on my world, I briefly struggled with the idea that maybe he was my Father. But even my young self quickly discounted that idea. His hair was a fair bit more red than mine and very curly, whereas mine was straight. I caught myself playing with my hair as I stared in his direction. I still couldn't see the man's face, but I listened to him and the other officer as best I could.

"Ready to push back, is the hatch secure?" The blonde haired officer said to the darker haired officer.

"Hatch secure." The darker haired one replied.

"Releasing docking clamps. Advise the Tucker it can proceed with docking."

"Acknowledged."

I could feel the thrust of the shuttle push off of our transport and pull away. As we came around the continuing battle could be seen out the front windows. I peeked around the command chairs and passengers as best as I could to see what was going on. The large Starfleet ship was still pushing the Cardassians out and away from our ailing vessel. One of the Cardassian vessels would try to come around and flank the Starfleet, only to be met with a brutal pounding that pushed it back again.

I turned my full attention to the officers as I heard the blonde haired man speak again, "Bloody Cardies. Don't know when to give up. Can blast em all to 'ell as far as I'm concerned."

"I can't imagine what on that shuttle can be worth this fight." the dark haired one responded.

"That's the problem with Cardassians. It's probably nothing," Said the blonde haired officer, "But they can't let us know it's nothing. It's always some mind game with those spoonheads."

Years later I would look up this incident in the Starfleet database while I was at the Academy. The blonde haired officer was mostly right. Our transport ship had veered off-course near the Kalandra system due to an ion storm. Unfortunately our course change put us too close to Cardassian space and the transport ship's captain failed to avoid the Cardassian patrol ships. They accused our ship of supplying Bajoran rebels and demanded the surrender of the passengers for interrogation. The Cardassians threatened to destroy any escape pods launched from the transport, effectively trapping us on the ship. If the U.S.S. Galaxy had not picked up our distress signal during a shakedown cruise in this sector we would have been destroyed by the torpedo I saw.

"What is that?" The dark haired officer said, catching my attention.

"I dunno. If I didn't know any better I would think it was an old battle flare." The blonde officer replied. I tried to get a good look at what they were talking about. For a moment I thought I saw that same bright ball of light I had seen in the sky on Trill. Or technically that I was going to see, nearly a decade later, but that was impossible.

"Maybe it was a stray torpedo fragment?"

"Eh.. I've seen crazier things. Let's start our landing procedures." The blonde officer replied, setting to work on the controls.

Soon we found ourselves approaching the large Starfleet ship. Even as an adult I find myself in awe of its immense size. The galaxy class ships are a titan among titans. If they had really wanted to, I would bet that our entire transport ship could have fit into the main shuttlebay. As a child it was a wonder to behold, an entire city suspended in space. I would fall in love with that ship class after this incident, I even had a cutaway diagram poster in my bedroom for many years. I would imagine this moment, time and time again. The shuttle slowing down on approach, pitching and yawing to match the movements of the much larger ship. The lights from the shuttle bay getting steadily closer and brighter. Until we pierced the containment fields that separated the atmosphere of the bay from the vacuum of space. Finally setting down upon the bay floor with a firm thud.

The hatch door hissed to life and beams of light cleaved their way into the darkened shuttle cabin. I could immediately see a flurry of activity both inside and outside the ship as more officers, some in red and blue uniforms now, started moving passengers out as quickly as they could. A cacophony of voices rose in volume, making it very difficult to make out any one speaker. One of the other children started crying. I don't think anyone could blame them, there was a lot going on.

I desperately wanted to get a good look at that blonde haired officer who had carried me into the shuttle. I had hoped to see some resemblance to the man I pictured as my father. But I never got the chance. I was quickly herded out of the shuttle amongst a crowd of people. I don't think the two officers even stood up from their command chairs. I soon found myself thrust out into the light of the open hangar deck. A massive echoing chasm filled with people and equipment.

Every one of the officers moved quickly and efficiently, almost like they had done this every day of their life. I watched them all intently as they worked, almost appearing to move in slow motion, searching for more clues to my own past. Most were emotionless, dutifully sorting and moving the passengers along to their destinations. I noticed the red uniforms made up the bulk of this first group. The blue uniforms seemed to be the caregivers, empathizing with confused and injured passengers. And then there were the gold uniforms, like the man who first carried me onto the shuttle, I was unusually interested in them. They were harder for my young mind to define though, their tasks so varied in nature. Some had dashed towards the shuttle to check on it, others were hard at work on peripheral tasks within the bay, and the rest of them were helping move the passengers.

I jumped when a sudden whoosh blasted from behind me. I turned in time to see the shuttle I had just stepped off of head back out into space. The gold uniformed officers who had been looking at the shuttle rushed passed me, leaving me rather alone in the center of the shuttlebay. I hadn't even realized that all the other passengers were already being escorted out of the bay. I heard a commanding voice call out loud enough to be heard across the entire bay.

"Clear the bay! Another shuttle incoming!."

I looked up in time to see a man moving quickly towards me. He had a red uniform on, and for the first time I noticed the three gleaming dots on his collar. He had dark skin and short black hair. He had an air of authority to his walk, but as he got closer he smiled to me, to let me know not to be afraid. He knelt down and took my hand and spoke to me in a deep warm voice unlike any I had heard before.

"Young lady, we need to clear this bay for the rest of your friends, do you know where your parents are?" I meekly pointed out toward the open space between us and the transport. "Ahh.. that's okay. We are just going to come over here and wait for your parents to arrive, how does that sound?" I nodded and he, still grasping my hand, led me over to the side of the cargo bay.

"Lieutenant!" he barked out suddenly as we managed a safe distance from the landing areas. A woman I had not noticed before came over to us. She too wore a red uniform, but the first thing I noticed was her ears. She was a Vulcan, the first I had ever seen. I remember noticing that her gaze was much colder than the commanders, a typical Vulcan affectation. She also had bright blue eyes and long dark flowing hair, certainly unique among Vulcans, though I didn't know that yet.

"Yes Sir?" She said as she approached.

"Lieutenant T'Gai. I need you to take charge of this young lady until a guardian arrives." The Commander ordered. He passed my hand over to hers and began briskly walking back across the bay before she had a chance to object.

"But, sir? I am not trained in child care techniques." Lt. T'Gai managed to get out as he bounded away.

The Commander barely turned to address her as he continued to walk away, "Just, hold her hand. Until someone comes for her." Then he flashed his big warm smile again and hurried across the shuttle bay to prepare for the next shuttle.

The Lieutenant and I looked at each other for a moment. I wasn't sure who was more uncomfortable, me or the lieutenant. She hesitated before finally trying to comfort me.

"Do not worry. We will rescue everyone on your ship."

I looked at her for a moment, then turned to watch the next shuttle make its approach. Then my young self made a bold statement. A declaration that would define my path, my goals, my every waking thought for the next 16 years. An affirmation that would shape every relationship I had from this moment onward. "I know, my father is in Starfleet."

We stood there, holding hands for a while, watching the shuttle land. Internally I struggled to decide whether this declaration had been a good thing or a bad thing. My youthful enthusiasm at finding a potential connection to a missing piece of my past was understandable and endearing. It's just unfortunate how it all turned out.

Regrettably I did not have much time to contemplate it any further. The moment that next shuttle touched down a blast of air hit me in the face and I reflexively shut my eyes. When I reopened them, I was somewhere completely different.


	4. Chapter 4

I was once again staring at a Type 7 shuttle, only this one was a model. I realized I was back again in my childhood bedroom, seated at my desk, staring at a model of the very shuttlecraft that I had been rescued in. The room around me seemed to be in a bit of teenagerly disarray. I searched for further clues to help me figure out the exact time period I had arrived in this time, but was having difficulty making an exact determination.

I'm still not sure what I should think of this surreal experience. There didn't appear to be a pattern yet to my movements or experiences. All the same I would have preferred release from being a prisoner within my own mind. I wasn't sure what that would mean for me though. Is the alternative to this odd experience the great nothingness of death? The Trill weren't a very spiritual species, so I had very little inclination towards an afterlife other than that which the symbionts offered us via joining. But I had heard the stories from other cultures. Stories of beautiful paradises, eternal peace, commiserating with loved ones and relatives for eternity, and on the other end the tales of eternal damnation and pain. In some odd way neither particularly appealed to me.

Only just then did I realize that my previous hosts, who would have had some experience with death, were unusually absent. I could usually feel their sometimes weighty presence within my mind, but now I felt nothing. I felt alone, and confident within my own thoughts for the first time in years. It was unexpectedly liberating to realize it.

Just as I was beginning to relax within my own thoughts, my bedroom door opened. I caught my brother's head peeking in. "Hey, I was going to ask how it's going but I think I already have my answer."

I gave him a quizzical look, "What exactly do you mean?"

"You haven't played with your models in years. Except when your brooding." he responded.

I glanced down at the model shuttle in my hand before quickly putting it down on my desk as if to hide it away from him. "I don't know what you mean."

"Okay, how about two years ago when you caught your boyfriend out with that other girl? I distinctly remember walking by your room to see you playing with that ship over there for days." I stopped pretending to organize the items on my desk to look where he was pointing.

"That is the USS Excelsior, and I wasn't playing with it. I was .. trying to figure out how to repair it's bent nacelle." I reached up and grabbed the model and looked at it critically.

"Right," my brother shut the door and sat down on the bed next to me, "and how about when you put that hole in Mom's skimmer?"

I put the model down and pointed at him angrily, "That was not my fault! The skimmer bucked on that turn and I didn't see the rock."

He put his hands up in surrender, "Hey whoa, I'm not judging, I'm just giving examples." I glared at him for a moment. I knew he was right, but I didn't want him to know he was right. I turned around and went back to shuffling the items on my desk. From behind me I heard him speak again, "Mom's worried about you."

"She can stay out of my business. She has no problems keeping hers to herself." I angrily retorted.

There was a pause before he added, "I'm worried about you."

I searched my memory and realized where this conversation was going and found my adult self moved a little by his admission. This was very unlike my brother at this age to be so direct to me about his feelings. I wished I had some control to admit to him everything that is bothering me. I wanted to turn around and hug him and ask for help. Unfortunately my angsty 19 year old self was less kind.

"Don't you have some new girlfriend or springball game to get to?" I sarcastically retorted.

I was caught by surprise as my chair spun around forcibly. I now found myself facing him, his hand firmly holding the chair so I didn't turn around again. "Ilia, this has got to stop. It's been a over year, it's time to move on."

This only made my teenage self angrier and more obstinate, "What would you know, your as bad as my ex-boyfriend." I angrily got up and stomped into my closet and grabbed a shirt to put on over my tank top.

"Yeah? And what happened to Borze? You never did tell us why you left him so suddenly either." Rhiake raised his voice as he asked a question that I'm pretty sure we both knew the answer to.

"Oh whatever! He was on your sports ball team, he probably told you exactly why," I snipped around the corner as I changed out of my pajamas and into some proper pants. "Borze was as bad as the rest of you. Trying to tell me what to do. Besides, I thought you'd be overjoyed, you never cared much for him dating me."

"I'm just trying to look out for you." He yelled back at me.

Ever since we were children, Rhiake would try to fill the missing father figure role in our family life. When we were younger it was mostly helping mother out with cleaning and shopping. As we grew up he started taking on duties like fixing the house and running errands. But it wasn't until he got bigger than mother and I that he developed a pesky obligation to protect us. Mother didn't seem to mind so much, he was her 'big handsome boy' after all. I, on the other hand, was less keen on seeing my younger brother play the savior role with me.

"I don't need your help, I can handle myself!" I yelled at him from within the closet. I had started rapidly fixing my hair up so I could hopefully escape this conversation and this house. His next question caught me by surprise and derailed my plans.

"Is this your latest rejection?" I heard him call out to me.

"What!?" I screamed as I stormed out of the closet, with half my hair still in my hands and a clip in my mouth. I saw him standing up holding a PADD I had tried to hide away. I snatched it away from him, "You have NO right to go nosing around in my stuff!" I pressed the deactivation button on the PADD and tossed it into a pile of pillows in the corner of my bed.

It was in fact a rejection letter, one of many I had gotten from Starfleet over the past year or more. I remember each and every one, and how they killed me a little more inside every time. Even after all that had happened since, it was a painful memory to relive. The rejections had taken a toll on me and in return I had grown more frustrated and lashed out at those around me. My brother was no exception.

"It's okay to ask for help you know. I got help with my applications to the symbiosis commision." He sincerely admitted.

"Well that's wonderful that mister perfect can admit his faults. This is different." I quipped as I hastily tried to finish fixing my hair.

Rhiake grabbed my arm as I tried to walk passed him again. "No it's not," he said softly, "I know how important this is to you, you've only talked about it all your life. What you may not have noticed though, is how important the symbiosis is to me. I've been preparing for this since I was young too."

I paused for a brief moment to consider his words before pulling my arm from his hand. "I know you think you understand, but you don't." I grabbed my boots from where I had tossed them the night before and started putting them on. "Now you, and Borze, and mother," I said with emphasis on every noun, "can go and talk about how I should chalk this up as just another one of my failures. And how I should move on to whatever the hell it is that Mother thinks I should be doing with my life, but I'll let you know right now. I'm not giving up. Not this time. This is too important to me."

I started to storm out when I heard him call out behind me, "Ilia."

"What!" I angrily replied as I whipped around so fast that a lock of hair came loose from my hasty up-do and fell in my face. My hand still hovering over the door control pad in preparation for a quick exit.

"Have you," he stuttered, trying to continue the conversation I wanted so desperately to escape, "have you considered signing up for the symbiosis program? I'm told that Starfleet Academy prefers candidates who have been accepted into the program. I'm sure they would fast track your application since I'm already in."

"What? And give up all control of my life to that horrible 'Symbiosis Commission'? I think not." I scoffed and then started to open the door.

"Ilia please, at least just consider it. It's not as bad as some are claiming." he pleaded as I continued to leave. "Ilia! Where are you going?"

"Away from here! Away from everyone!" I slammed the door shut on him and stood in the hallway of my childhood home for a moment to take a deep breath. I remember all the external anger and frustration of that moment. Internally though was another story. I struggled with so many feelings in that moment. My dream of finding out who my father had been was falling apart in front of me. My life goal to become a heroic Starfleet officer like I had imagined my father and those who rescued me all those years ago had seemed so close. Only to have it yanked away, and put agonizingly out of reach. It was fear and confusion that drove me now. I didn't know what I had done wrong, and it felt like everyone around me didn't care, or would prefer I gave up. It was something I had just known I was meant to be all my life. Only to be told no, by someone I had never even met. It hurt me in a way I never thought imaginable.

After this I remember running off to sit alone atop my mountain. Instead I found myself standing for an unusually long time in that hallway, still touching the control panel of the door I had just slammed shut. It was then that I noticed something out of the corner of my eye that should not have been there. I realized I had enough control to turn my teenage self towards the foreign object. When I saw what it was I gasped.

"Quinix?" I managed to squeak out, "It can't be." There before me standing in the hallway, as proud as I remembered him, was Quinix. I may not be the best at telling one Denobulan apart from another, but I knew it was him, and more importantly I knew a Denobulan had no business being there.

He turned towards me and said only "Amens."

I reached out towards him only to have the world fall away around me. It felt like I was tumbling for the briefest second as everything changed. Just as I was about to scream out in terror I found myself seated in a desk with my outstretched hand in the air.


End file.
